New shoe

It was time for my foot check up well orthopaedic appointment hoping my new shoes were here well other wise it would be a pointless appointment. I was shouted in by My doctor I was allowed to wear my right show and right only :( however it's a start. The shoes weren't as bad as I was expecting them to be they were black with like a puma stripe on the side made out of soft leather but were more like trainers then shoes. And they are the comfiest shoe I have ever worn I was allowed to wear it for 20mins a day and when walking but only around the house other wise it's the wheelchair still. If I'm seated them it has to come off this is to stop it swelling although some swelling is normal. At my next foot check up if my foot is the same temperature as it was before the shoe and if not swollen I will be able to drive an automatic car (how exciting bearing in mind I've never driven an automatic so that will be interesting). My left foot is still in an air cast 23hrs a day boo! However my last scan said it is healing and new bone is growing I have another scan in 6 weeks time I'm really hoping it will be healed by then and be able to wear my other shoe and begin weight bearing on that one too. It's so nice to have flexibility it my right foot specially as it's been in cast for the last 5 months and I can sit half comfy and it's so much lighter and also wonderful not to have to pump it up who would have thought that wearing a shoe would feel so strange had some other great news in the post today I've had my disabled blue badge confirmed so know more being stranded in the car park waiting to get run over. I'm starting to see a little light at the end of the ever long tunnel my journey continues....

Fresh start

So I was now in year 8 of secondary school with no friends and a ridiculous illness. After discussing with my parents that I was no longer happy at school and feeling alone because of it. So we decided to change secondary schools a fresh start well that's what I thought? I knew one person at my new school who I had been friends with since 5 we were both very excited to be going to school together we hadn't seen much of each other over the years because we decided on different schools but we hadn't changed one bit. However on my first day there she phoned to say she was ill and wouldn't be coming in today great! I can see a pattern forming oh well off I went. First lesson was fine the headmaster introduced me to my new form and my first class whilst talking loudly to the teacher that I was diabetic and needed to have a snack at 11am what?! Here's me thinking I could get away with not telling anyone. 11 o'clock came and I went to the nurses office to have my banana a lot of kids thought it was brilliant getting out of class to eat food but it wasn't there education that was suffering. Along came dinner time I was no longer on pack lunches I got to eat real meals great till I got to the end of the queue and all that was there were cans of  full sugar pop great! I asked the dinner lady if there was anything else? Just water she said so that's what I had but I told her my predicament that I needed sugar free pop with me being diabetic and she said she would get some in for tomorrow thank you. Next day went down the dinner line to find a carton of pop just for me lime cordial! Is that the only flavour they could find I know those days there wasn't much choice of sugar free delights but I'm pretty sure orange or apple and black currant were available. Anyway my friend was back at school now so I no longer felt alone apart from the diabetes. Next lesson was P.E I like sports specially football and rounders but I was alway anxious about my blood sugars dropping at the time I had to eat a snack size chocolate bar half an hour before my lesson (which I always thought pointless if the whole point of exercise was to burn off sugar) I learned from my mistake at my old school to take my own lucozade to school with me I case of a hypo I didn't bother with my blood machine as my symptoms were very strong. I did have a few hypos at school but it never bothered me then I don't no why? my blood sugars were quite stable at school. I'm so glad I changed schools even with the little moments of awkwardness now all I had to deal with was boys, periods and what career I wanted normal teenager stuff.

Charcot continued

Update on the crappy thing that is charcot! I had my latest scan on Sunday to see how my fractures were doing results sometime this week in the mean time. I had an at home assessment from personal independent payment (PIP) I think? Anyway had to go through a form with her which I had already filled in (in June) but there computers were down so had to go through all these stupid questions again. I decided (in my head) to answer them sarcastically 1st question how do I get dressed? (I've got 50 pairs of clothes on just take one set off a day) 2nd question how do you get down the stairs? (I take my mattress off my bed and slide down great fun!) 3rd question how do you pull your trousers and pants down when you use the toilet? (I don't I just wee through them) 4th question how do you shower? (I wait for it to rain and ask my mum to dump me in the garden with my wheelchair, shampoo ect then she pushes me round the garden really fast to dry me) if only I could have answered the questions like that. But on a better note I did get my MRI results today my left foot isn't fully healed and need to continue doing what i am doing for a little while longer. My right heal is now fully healed and can start to weight bear on it with my air cast on and I know longer have to sleep with my right air cast on either :) (roll on bedtime) however I have my endo appointment tomorrow and I don't think that's going to go as well.

Charcot part 3

Well last Friday was my recent foot check up and it went very well despite the 3hr appointment time but they treat everybody's problems for as long as there needed and that's why it's very time consuming. The waiting room was rammed as it usually is I don't know if its the same in every hospital but our foot clinic only runs two days a week and if there's an emergency people get shuffled (like I did so I don't moan). There are too many chairs in the waiting room as the majority of us are in wheelchairs I'm sure it would make more sense to remove some other wise you get dumped by the water fountain. Some wheelchair users really do need L plates not me I'm fantastic my nurse has already put me down for wheelchair rugby! But it's an option. I was called in by the chiropodist (not the nasty one she hurts) my feet were fine no heat and non swollen (smug) I have my scan next week and my doctor is very confident that its possible my air casts might eventually come off. She even booked me in to have my feet measured the same day yay! The doctor was lovely he measured my feet and I had to put my feet in this strange box that sank when I put my feet in very weird experience  . Then I got to pick my sexy new shoes (snort) those catalogues really do know justice and they should be here in 4 weeks. I have funny feet apparently my big toe is not flat from underneath to the end of my little toe. However he thinks I may only need special soles eventually so I can't complain and also my heel now clicks but let's see what the scan says first fingers crossed. Although I was having a conversation with my friend only last week that if my feet have crumbled I would rather amputate then surgery (theres been times when i wanted to hack it off myself its been that painful) and I would like one of those blade legs (do I get a discount on shoes if I only need one shoe or should I save it for someone who had the opposite leg off) my friend just laughed and said you've really thought about that haven't you my reply was yes.

Lifestyle

I'm sure we've all dreamt to be richer, better financially off and debt free but sometimes things happen that can take that away from you at probably the least appropriate time. Myself for instance I was doing two part time jobs just to keep above water I was just getting myself back on track when I was hit with Charcot. Not knowing much about it I thought it wouldn't take that long to get better how wrong I was. Although I was in pain and discomfort I didn't think about the financial side but just 4 months into my treatment I noticed there isn't any financial help or support a losing battle. I'm currently receiving ESA (employment support allowance) which you can only have for 1 year except because I'm on a contribution allowance and not support I've got to start all over again in 6 weeks when I already know I'm going to be off work a lot longer. I also filled in a ridiculous form for PIA (used to be disability confusing i know) where every question was the same just written differently I may as well of banged my head against the wall (maybe the damage from that may of helped me get a claim) but its now been 15 weeks since. Somebody was suppose to come see me last week about my claim by Thursday Ive had no date or time so I rang them there response was someone forgot to ring me but can I get to Nottingham the next city over. I would love too! Put the kettle on and Ill just hop on the bus and ill be there (stupid) I'm in a wheelchair and have no one to take me at this short notice (oh they said whats actually wrong with you? me do you actually have my hospital notes which i know you've received!) well we have no one in your area for at least 2 weeks so still no money. I've worked ever since school only days I've had off are for shit diabetes I've paid my national insurance (although I had started using that way before I had started paying for it). And my tax a lot of people in the same condition seem to be having the same problem and I know a lot of them would quite happily go back to work if there's a job they can do with there condition.

Burden

I imagine any illness or disease is an a burden on anyone but I don't like being an a burden on everyone else family, friends ect it's my problem and ill sort it myself like I always have done. I don't want to be treated differently or to look different and I definitely don't want any sympathy. My illness  definitely feels like a burden with constant blood sugar checks, maths exams, funny looks. I've got over the part that I'm now stuck with this chronic disease but still not over the part with having to deal with it day in and day out. I'm not saying its the hardest illness to deal with but it's definitely not the easiest people just seem to think you watch what you eat and have an injection a few times a day. But it's much, much harder than that constantly keeping your blood sugars stable while battling normal life like rushed off your feet at work, running after naughty children its something most people don't have to think about (and your so lucky). After nearly ending up in hospital last weekend with DKA which I imagine is every diabetics nightmare the only way of getting through it with out being hospitalised is lots of fluids (sugar free obviously) lots of peeing (every friggin hour) and glucose checks every 2 hours and (yes that includes through the night). It's such a demanding illness you never get a break not even at Christmas. However  I like to deal with this on my own always have always will and yes I moan about it a lot I think I'm entitled to seeing as most people only have to moan about what to eat? Least you don't have to do a maths test with it too and if you get it wrong it fucks you up for the rest of the day. If I want any help ill ask just don't presume you can stick your nose in when ever you feel like it.

Depression

I think with any incurable illness your more likely to suffer with depression compared to a healthy person (might get slaughtered for that remark) I some times look at these healthy individuals and think what have you got to be depressed about? Is that selfish of me? But they get depressed over the silliest things (oh shit I've put 2lbs worth of weight on) yeah because that is such a major thing to be depressed over least you don't have to eat a chocolate bar before you do exercise in which then what is the point of exercising. I'm quite down myself at the moment which I'm not afraid to admit even crying in the bathroom because I couldn't get myself dressed after my shower the simplest of things. In most people's lives and i no someone out there is in a worse place and there probably saying (really is that all you couldn't do I can't even feed myself). I will eventually get my head straight as I normally do myself but for now this song pretty much sums up how I feel right now. Hopefully tomorrow I won't feel so selfish you probably think that it's a bit dramatic and some of the lyrics are missing but most of it is to how I'm feeling specially the ones about life and what's happening in my life at the moment but tomorrow's another day and hopefully I won't be so selfish.

And the world was a song

And the song was exciting

There was a time

Then it all went wrong

I dreamed a dream in time gone by

When hope was high

And life worth living

I dreamed that love would never die

I dreamed that God would be forgiving

Then I was young and unafraid

And dreams were made and used and wasted

There was no ransom to be paid

No song unsung, no wine untasted

But the tigers come at night

With their voices soft as thunder

As they tear your hope apart

As they turn your dream to shame

And still I dream he'll come to me

That we will live the years together

But there are dreams that cannot be

And there are storms we cannot weather

I had a dream my life would be

So different from this hell I'm living

So different now from what it seemed

Now life has killed the dream I dreamed

Influences

As most of my friends know I'm a huge Robbie Williams and Nigel Harman fan. I know I'm only 26 but these 2 individuals have been a huge part of my life and sometimes my friends get dragged into it as well like taking them to concerts, shows ect. I know for a fact that if a Robbie song happens to come on my friends automatically think of me (haha you will never forget me). When I was a teenager many moons ago I was convinced that Robbie WILL be my husband I know! But would I be a totally different person if I was (obsessed) with different people? Theres a perfect Robbie song for every experience I've ever had in my life some good some bad but this may sound stupid if I'm ever sad a Robbie song (happy one) will always come on as if to say things will get better. Well if you ever need a Robbie or Nigel question answering then come find me.....

Dog and duck

Today me, mum, dad and princey wincey woozies (my daft dog) went to the park to feed the ducks they were all waiting for food. The first 15 minutes were fine feeding the coots and mallards and along came a swan family 3 baby signets they were so cute. We tied mr princey wincey woozies to the bench not because he would hurt them just so he didn't eat the bread but far away enough from the lake. We were feeding fine until either mummy or daddy swan (cant tell which one to be honest) got out of the water hissing as you may already no this is never a good thing specially when it is a few centimetres away and actually taller than me in my chair. I'm not scared of swans with having to deal with them in the past this was until I realised I couldn't run away I was stranded with it next to me hissing i realised it must have been hissing at the far away dog obviously just protecting her young so i shouted dad who was doing something god knows what!? to move the dog away from the ducks which my mum eventually did while i slowly took of my brakes trying to ensure not to roll into the ducks and then into the water. But luckily we managed to escape the angry brood with both eyes and no broken arms won't be feeding them again!

Goodbyes

I hate goodbyes I prefer the phrase see you later I try to avoid them at the best of times but sometimes it's the only way. Since having to Give up my job (glorified hobby minus poo picking) I've had to say a few see you laters and even worse goodbyes I've got to know my customers very well over the years. Been with them for a few of there downfalls and their highs like introducing babies into the doggie world and family break ups (should start charging for psychology too) but its even worse when they tell me there moving to a totally different town and ill never see that dog or cat again animal life is short as it is. I have bonded with your pet for the last 6 years and now it feels like my family break up I treat my customers pets as my own but as another dog leaves a new puppy will arrive drooling, chewing, pooing and peeing everywhere let the battle begin well until you decide to move towns that is.

Friendships

Life without friends, what life? With having a lot of time off work for a while I've been able to see my best friend and her son more than a once a week short visit. I think life and work can get in the way sometimes and this is not a great thing we should always make time for friends. We kind of lost each other thanks to life but now feels like I got my best friend back we rant at each other about how crap life is sometimes but it's never angered at each other. There's nothing I can't tell her and she understands everything completely never quick to judge and always has a helpful suggestion or a kick up the arse for being stupid. We only have to look at each other and know we are thinking the exact same thing. Even a simple trip to the shops or hospital there's always something to giggle about like today's and yesterday's events like getting stuck in an elevator and her 2 year old son who is in the middle of potty training peeing every where possible on everything possible. Even he has the same humour as us he went to the hospital only last week without me and shouted at a man in a wheelchair "that man's in Emma's chair!" Bless he now associates me with sticks and a chair and tells me to "slow down Emma" If I'm wheeling to fast!

Negativity

Where do I start not everyone knows this as its not Sumat I shout from the roof top a lot of http://whitehurs.blogspot.co.uk/2013/07/family-outings.html?m=1 think I've just fractured my feet (yes both!) but in actual fact it's more serious than that I have charcot. It's a TYPE 1 diabetic complication this mean I am in air casts for the next 6-9 months non weight bearing and when they eventually heal (optimistic) I've got to learn to walk again this means ill be wearing shoes for 10 minutes a day only. I've so many times just wanted to rip the boots from off my feet and just walk but if I do my ankle will pretty much collapse and fall into my feet and the arch of my foot will come through my skin then it would all need pinning back together again. I blame myself for this complication no one else. I've had to give up me beloved job ( adog walker is no good with no feet) I've lost my independance and now have to sell my car. People keep saying it will get better and yes it will and that I shouldn't be so negative but if I'm negative then I can't be let down I try to plan things to look forward too but that never seems to go to plan I try not to get my hopes up but I always do and then I'm left disappointed. So my life is now on hold just what you want at 26!

Poetry

Please Hurry and find a cure

My day to day life is becoming a chore 

You can't eat this you can't eat that 

You got diabetes because your fat

Never a day off not allowed no break

Think I'm having a hypo watch me shake

If I'm not dying of thirst 

My bladders about to burst

Sugars high make you tired 

To much time off work gets you fired

Try and get your sugars stable 

Hide injections under the table 

Lose a leg you may go blind 

Always constant on your mind 

So please hurry and find a cure 

Cause I can't take any much more 

Life or death

Do any of your dreams come true? Do you believe in karma? And does luck really exist I was starting to think there are lucky people in life and unlucky people and if your a lucky person then that's fantastic now f#@k off! But is your life already planned out for you or do you get to make the choices or has god or whoever already decided it for you. Are people suppose to follow certain paths or does the devil guide it for you or do you have voices in your head telling you wrong from right. Sometimes it seams some of the genuine normal innocent child can become a callous murderer. Maybe we're being provoked by a past life or a future life not yet decided for us? Maybe were already dead and not aware of it stuck in between life and death hmm. Im aware that this blog is quite depressing but like I said I'm extremely bored at the moment so to much thinking involved and to much time on my hands. Ill make sure tomorrow's is no where near as awful as today's but for now just follow the rainbow but watch out for the devil hiding in the leprechaun outfit.......